


to feel, one too many times

by kanachans



Category: ARGONAVIS from BanG Dream! AAside (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Intimacy, M/M, Pining, haruka says fuck, vent fic? maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:14:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28449006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kanachans/pseuds/kanachans
Summary: Tadaomi doesn’t know what it’s like to feel but often, he feels everything too intensely. One of those times, Haruka happened to be there.
Relationships: Kurama Tadaomi/Nijo Haruka
Kudos: 34





	to feel, one too many times

**Author's Note:**

> anyways im sad so heres a hc that tadaomi just represses all his emotions due to trauma and he doesn’t know how to handle them "stop projecting onto tadaomi" no

There’s no telling when it happens or why it does but there’s no time to think about it.

When Tadaomi’s world is crumbling apart, thoughts spilling right between his fingers and a hundred different feelings crushing his heart at the same time, there’s nothing to think about other than how much it  _ hurts _ .

His brain hurts, his chest hurts, his body hurts. Everything aches, it feels like he’s rotting.

Usually, Tadaomi was able to excuse himself, go somewhere his weakness wouldn’t be seen. After all, no one likes to show their pain, this must be normal.

To be normal, Tadaomi wants to laugh at the thought, though he doesn’t understand why. If this was normal, he wasn’t sure if he liked it.

There’s a hand on his shoulder, Tadaomi looks up and is met with Reiji, who’s blurry in his vision but he can still tell his stoic expression is still there. They’re still practicing, Tadaomi feels his fingers twitch above the synthesizer.

He thinks Reiji is speaking but Tadaomi can’t hear the words. He can only feel the vibrations of a guitar rumbling in his chest and what seems like a thousand people’s eyes on him. Reiji’s annoyed eyes, Kanata’s interested ones, Shu’s devilish ones, the only one not looking at him is Haruka.

“I must excuse myself,” Tadaomi manages to whisper, voice trembling.

Someone might’ve called out to him, maybe Kanata, maybe Shu but the voice held no care or concern. Tadaomi rushes out of the room with tears pricking at his eyes but he smiles at the feeling.

He doesn’t know where he’s going until he pushes a door open and he’s met with a rush of the cold breeze. Tadaomi doesn’t notice how irregular his breathing is until he sees the fog of his breath in the winter air.

This is fine, Tadaomi thinks as he crouches to the ground. He digs his finger into the snow and tries to focus on the biting coldness but his thoughts don’t stop and he can’t catch onto a single one of them.

Tadaomi is about to press his entire hand into the snow, but he feels a hand wrap around his wrist. He barely has time to see who the person was before he’s pulled up into a hug, he sees a split second of Haruka’s face and then the boy's arms are wrapped around his waist.

He doesn’t know if he should hug back but he doesn’t push or pull away, he doesn’t want to. Tadaomi blinks, Haruka feels warm but something else inside him feels warm too.

“You’re fucking shivering, Kurama-senpai,” Haruka says but his voice doesn’t hold the same malice or annoyance it usually does. There’s something softer, a gentle tone that grips at Tadaomi’s heart in a new way.

Tadaomi doesn’t have the energy to reply, he only grips at the hem of Haruka’s sweater with weak hands. Although it’s cold and his skin feels like it’s cracking, there’s a new type of warmth somewhere, he hopes that if he grabs onto Haruka, he can feel it more.

There’s no resistance as Haruka guides Tadaomi back inside the building, only Tadaomi’s fingers tightening on the fabric.

Haruka doesn’t say anything, just holds the hyperventilating, shivering Tadaomi in his arms in the hallway. He wants to rub Tadaomi's arms to warm him up but he can’t find the confidence to move his hands up from Tadaomi’s back.

It took a couple of minutes but Tadaomi moved his arms to hug back, relaxing into Haruka’s touch.

“You okay?” Haruka asks. If the answer is no, Haruka doesn’t know how to reply.

Tadaomi nods and presses his head against Haruka’s. And Haruka realizes he doesn’t know how to reply either way. Perhaps Tadaomi doesn’t know what to say either.

Physical intimacy like this was new to Tadaomi, he’s never been held like this or had someone talk to him with the gentleness Haruka had. It made him feel warm, safe almost. He wants to feel more, have Haruka’s hands on him in other places, it makes the thoughts slow down until all he can think about is the softness.

So he asks, “Can we do this often, Haruka-kun?”

This kind of physical intimacy was also new to Haruka, he wasn’t sure what was going through his head when he decided to follow after Tadaomi or why he decided to hug him. He wasn’t even sure if contact like this was even going to help, especially since he hated Kanata’s surprise hugs.

But if it’s with Tadaomi, it doesn’t feel so bad.

“Sure,” Haruka answers simply.

Tadaomi shakes in his arms, he holds onto Haruka tighter as tears roll down his cheeks and onto Haruka’s shoulder. To be held, to feel, to exist in someone’s arms; it felt overwhelming in a different way.

He would probably think back to this feeling later, try to pick it apart and understand it but like all his other emotions, he loses any connection to it a couple hours it passes. Even through tears and Haruka’s awkward hand rubbing his back, Tadaomi doesn’t want to forget what this feels like.

“You’re okay, Kurama-senpai,” Haruka says, his voice was hesitant but it still held the same softness. 

A sob left Tadaomi’s throat. To be handled carefully like this, reassurance and maybe even a bit of concern. Is it special because he’s never experienced it or is it special because it’s Haruka?

He feels Haruka’s hand running through his hair and his heart leaps in his chest. If they can do this often, Tadaomi is sure he’ll find out eventually and even if he doesn’t, just being held by Haruka like this was nice.


End file.
